woah. woah. do i want to wear glasses? yes.
hello. AHH. Ah. i hope you can hear me okay. i might set up a microphone. give me a sec.
it shouldn’t do that. so i’m not gonna… so i’m not gonna talk about my life because
i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing with it i cannot believe i gave advice when i was
TWENTY YEARS OLD i was a mess i still am a mess please don’t listen to anything i say.
i am terrified of the internet it is literally killing people i’m gonna try my best to dip
back in now and again in the teeniest safest softest ways that i can so here are some of
my thoughts. some of my thoughts. i dunno if you know this but i’ve spoken about being
in pain, bodily pain on my channel before on the internet basically i have this one
terrible terrible night where i get pain around here! just under my ribs all the way around
my back and believe me when i say it is unbearable like rolling around on the floor wailing unbearable
i kept going to the doctor and they were giving me various pills. i once got a whole jug of
laxatives. that did not help. it was so gross. i’ve been on various prazoles. gavascon did
not help paracetamol did not help ibuprofen did not help the nights usually go as follows.
it’s 7pm, i’ve eaten a meal and the pain comes on and i’m like oh no. hopefully it’ll be
fine. it’s 10pm the pain is pretty bad i take a bath it’s kind of dulled take some pain
killers and i try to go to sleep. it’s 1am i’ve been rolling around in my bed crying,
might take another bath. it is 2am and i finally call 111 and say please please help me! they
ask me a question: is the pain in your chest? i’m always like.. yeah, but also kinda not
and they’re like you need to tell us if it is is because if it is we’re getting you an
ambulance. a few times i was like no it’s fine nevermind. the next time i got an uber
to a and e and then more recently i was like “you know what? fuck it, yeah, send me an
ambulance cause I am screaming” so they did i was put on gas and air, very strange “this
is not anything i’m EVER going to put online (oh my god)” so i arrive and i wait 4 hours
as you do at a and e – the birds are chirping, my pain has dulled and numbed to the point
where it’s kinda gone. i see a doctor. they say what the fuck is wrong i say it’s gone
now and they say we can’t help you. this is a and e, accident and emergency. book an appointment
with your GP. and i say okay goodbye. goodbye. then i go home feeling like a crazy lady.
BUT more recently i’ve persevered and got a scan – i’ve had a few scans in the past
but finally they found a lump on my gallbladder! a LUMP! I saw it with my own eyes! 1cm long!
i saw it! it has a name. I can’t say it. asadkjsdahmotsis. admememdoemon. adenooome… nope. i have an
appointment with a specialist soon to see if i want it TAKEN OUT! that’s right! an organ!
and i’ve looked up keyhole surgery, i don’t know why i did i shouldnt have. they blow
up your damn tummy like a BALLOON! oh my god the like 3d animation is just horrendous.
they just stick prongs in you and go (pump up noise) until your body is like (prrr) kjahsdkahsd
where does that air go! does it go? what if it is still in there what hole does it come
out! you don’t fart it out because that’s like a different place you don’t have any
holes surely your body is airtight?! so where’s it gonna go! what if i just have air in me
forever! i just can’t – i’ve spoken about being put to sleep before on this channel
cause i don’t wanna be turned off. it freaks me out so much. i’ve asked my friends if they’d
come with me and they’re like yeah and i’m like i don’t think you understand. you’re
going to see in my primal animalistic state of fear i’m gonna be yelling screaming anything
i damn can it’s not my fault! it’s not my fault everything in me is just going to say
don’t turn me off i don’t want to DIE! the next time i wake up i’ll be in pain and not
only will i be in a lot of pain, i’ll be in pain because i’m missing an ORGAN. i’m missing
an organ! you shouldnt mess with this sutff! it all works! in its own way! don’t take something
out! you can’t do that! you shouldnt mess with that stuff! AH. i’ve done a lot of research
on the digestive system. basically – i’ll explain this as quickly as possible because
this is not what you signed up for. the liver creates bile. the bile is stored in the gallbladder
like a little squeezy pump that is concentrated. and it squeezes bile out into the small intenstine
to break up the fats for you to use that food for your body. when you don’t have a gallbladder,
the bile just trickles down from the liver into the small intenstine. um so a lot of
people after having it removed will have problems digesting fats maybe get diarrhoea maybe put
on weight – don’t love the idea of changing my diet i’m not very good at food control,
don’t really want an element of that in my life. eww i just don’t know if it’s worth
it like what if i get more pain! like currently my pain comes every six months or so. and
it is terrible i have no doubt that the next time i’m in pain i’m gonna be like cut me
open blow me up like a balloon but right now i’m alright! not in pain. what if i’m in constant
pain after? it’s just a weird decision, i don’t like it. i don’t like getting old, i
don’t like all these body things. blahblahblah wahh dodie. anyway so that’s one thing i’ve
been thinking of i’m sure i’m going to get loads of comments, people telling me to get
it people telling me to not – i don’t know okay. another thought i’ve been having recently
– can you imagine an apple in your mind? can’t believe i’m talking about this surely it’s
been talked about to death. this one didn’t phase me so much because – i dunno like i
feel like i don’t want to say i’m… the norm? i dunno! i feel like i’m pretty bog standard
i can definitely see an apple in my mind – if i close my eyes and imagine it it’s red it
just looks like a video looks like a memory how does your brain know what is real and
what isn’t. i mean mine doesn’t! anyway so that was very interesting but then it kind
of moved into what are your thoughts like in your head and fun fact – i had a contract
to write a second book and then i was like just kidding i’m just gonna do music now.
i was gonna write short stories about super powers. and one of them i thought it was pretty
good! maybe i will write it – i dunno. basically the idea was this girl at a traumatic event
in her life her brain kind of splits as a way to cope and develops mind reading! and
my kind of like special twist was like oh well she doesn’t hear thoughts because you
can’t actually hear people’s thoughts cause they are never ever one coherent sentence
they’re like a mess of feelings and images and abstract pictures and maybe the odd word
but like never really pinpoint exactly what it is when reading twilight which i still
would argue is an amazing series of books. i love the twilight books i think the writing’s
amazing i think the concept is perfect what a perfect fantasy! okay alright edward cullen
could read thoughts and i’m sure like in every other book that you’ve read where someone
can read thoughts it’s like in italics like one perfect sentence and i was always like
well that’s just artistic license cause no one ever really thinks like that but apparently
you do! apparently you do. apparently some people just have a running monologue of words!
i can’t express how insane that is! surely it’s so easy to talk for you! there’s no other
step of like translating your feelings into words because your mind just does it for you?
question mark? i’m so like jealous of that! like if you have a running monologue you could
probably write down everything it’s saying i mean i could do that anyway but like it’s
kinda like i don’t really know but you could like analyse your words like in your head
and find out so much about yourself whereas mine is like (sound effects of mind) there’s
a song playing, so those are the words i can hear in my head. it’s only lyrics or a memory
of something or maybe like imaginary conversation i would have with someone where i’d play out
in my head but it’s never me being like “wow i would really like a… glass of oatmilk.”
if i wanted a drink I wouldn’t think “wow i’m thirsty. You know what i need!” i’d just
be like mermermermermem. i’d like ooh. ooh! oh god. this is really hard! you can’t – this
is the thing! i feel like i can’t describe to you what my thoughts are because they are
literally just a song playing in one corner of my subconscious, a worry, deep buried within
but i don’t know what it is, a memory slash imaginary memory, of future or past – i feel
like it’s yeah i dunno! it’s just so strange to me. alright moving on. another thing i’ve
been thinking of is my response to my dear 25 year old me video. it’s coming up and it’s
my birthday in april! i’m gonna be 25 years old! half a decade since i made that video.
ohhHHH my . yeah. i keep getting a bit emotional when i think about it. i have not watched
it since! i remember asking if my cat had died. my cat has died. i’ll probably talk
about it in the video. another thing – i want a cat so bad. and i keep getting alerts from
shelters for new cats that have come in but they all require a garden and every time i
call up and i say hello i don’t have a garden please can i have cat and they go nooo. no.
and i look at the picture of the cat and i cry. cause i already imagined our life together!
and so i gotta stop doing that. um my brain is telling me that the internet is gonna say
well you need a garden for a cat. i am also very aware plants are poisonous for cats.
also aware they are on a radiator my radiator is broken. i just hear the internet! being
like RAH. hm hm hm . anyway carry on. another thing i’ve been thinking about is i am itching
for big change. which is wild! quite recently actually i was faced with a big change that
was happening and it almost stopped something almost went you know what? you could not just
move forward you could keep everything as it is and i realised i didn’t want that i
was like ooh. i think i’ve adapted to the idea of change now. i think i need it. makes
me feel so much better when i think about like my family and my home life. and how in
my worst moments i’m like oh my gosh i’d do anything to go back i’d do anything to keep
it all the same and maybe… i don’t really feel that. maybe if at that moment everything
split and exploded maybe i would have said you know what? do it! kaboom! i needed it.
(dodie do you actually believe that) i dunno. I think that’s enough rambling! can’t believe
i’m making a video! new music is coming. you know that. i’m just gonna be happy with whoever
is curious enough to listen. it is really good! i wrote a score for a thirteen piece
string section and it is the music i’ve always wanted to make in my entire life! and i wanna
send it out to anyone i admire and hope they will hire me to write their film scores! okay!
my heart hurts cause i thought about change. KNOW WHY cause my thoughts are like this!
and this is the big worry! thanks for listening. okay bye.