I am in an ongoing feud with a cat who walked 100 miles to torment me. David’s team. Whose is the cat? It doesn’t belong to anyone, it’s… It’s feral. The cat is essentially
a criminal, in my eyes. He attacks my cats.
He breaks into my house. He breaks… How do you mean
breaks into your house? Is anyone going to do the cat burglar joke or are we letting it
go? I don’t mind, I’ll hand it over
if anyone wants it. Anyone want it? When you say breaks into your house,
do you mean… Yeah, he’s a cat burglar. Delete the first bit, yeah. Yeah, how does it get in? First of all, he just walked
in through the cat flap, because I have my own cats.
Right, that’s not breaking in. You cannot blame a cat for
walking through a cat flap. I now have a more advanced cat flap which doesn’t quite stop him
100% of the time. What is the new cat
flap’s technique? Is it a chip cat flap? Yes. So you’ve chipped your two cats?
Yeah. With a chip cat flap? Yeah. But the feral cat
sometimes hacks in? Are you Dr Seuss?! What he does is the batteries
in the cat flap only last six weeks. So he systematically tests the cat
flap to see when the batteries have been exhausted
and then, when they run out, it releases completely
and then he can gain access. Does he sit on the outside looking
at other cats going, “I can wait.” So what does the cat do
once it gains access? He basically… He beats up my cats. He eats their food and then
he sleeps in their bed. No… It’s like a violent Goldilocks. LAUGHTER And what about this 100…
You said 100 miles. Yes, I did. Talk a little bit more about that. I called the RSPCA
to get rid of this cat. They refused to come out,
but they did supply me with a trap. I trapped it, caught it,
took it to the local vet. They then said, “We’ll release it.” I said, you can’t release
it near my house, because it’ll just
come right back. Right. And that’s when they said, “Yeah,
we’ll get the RSPCA to take “it to a cat sanctuary
100 miles away.” Up in the sky. I don’t think the RSPCA
would allow that. Wouldn’t allow it to be taken
away to a cat sanctuary? Taken away from its family,
friends… It doesn’t have a family. That’s the point.
It’s not its family. Would you leave… How do you know
it’s not got a family? See – you don’t. I do. You don’t. If it does have a family,
it doesn’t like them very much, because it lives with me. They could be worried sick. So, the vet says the RSPCA
will take this 100 miles… 100 miles away?! Yeah. To a sanctuary. Yeah, give or take. What happens then? Well, I have probably six weeks
of bliss of no feral cat interfering
with my cats. Then what happened? I was quite sad that Mark Dennis
was no longer around. Who? Mark Dennis. Who is Mark Dennis?
Mark Dennis is the cat. And why Mark Dennis?
So bad you named him twice? Because the cat was a black cat. He was a dark menace,
but I didn’t want to, you know, paint him with that
brush, so I decided to soften it a little bit and
call him Mark Dennis. And then what happened? He found his way back. From 100 miles away?! Do you know for a fact
they took him 100 miles away? They might…
That sounded unlikely. I believe them, though, because
they… I kept in touch with them.
I was worried about the cat because when I had taken it in,
the last few times when it had burgled my house, it had… It had a slight
infection in its lungs. And it would snore loudly at night
like a fully grown man would snore. Can you hear it snoring
in the garden? In my… No, in my kitchen. So he would break into the kitchen?
Yeah. Beat up your cats, eat all the food
and then have a really loud sleep? LAUGHTER When you put it like that,
it sounds ridiculous. So, describe, if you can, the
moment when Mark Dennis returned. Because it must have
been quite dramatic. And noisy. Sorry, you’re taking me back. Again, it was the snoring. I thought, it can’t be Mark Dennis,
because he’s 100 miles away. I went down and then
he did the usual thing… He ran for the cat flap
and ran into the garden. Diane, what are you thinking? Well, at first, I didn’t believe
when he said the RSPCA drove it 100 miles. But then he’s naming
it and it’s got a lung infection. Yeah, the name is the… I mean, it’s a good
name to come up with, Mark Dennis, dark menace. I think it’s true.
I think it’s true as well. So you’re going to say true? So we’re going to say true. OK… Rory, was it true, or was it a lie? Well… it was…very true. APPLAUSE